


not easy to find

by Aisjustrunning



Series: A permanent mark [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6560659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aisjustrunning/pseuds/Aisjustrunning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>William buys a wristband before going to college. He doesn't have a name to hide, and that's precisely what he hopes nobody discovers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not easy to find

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Lenka](http://archiveofourown.org/users/isleofapplepies/pseuds/isleofapplepies) for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine. Any thing that doesn't sound like real English is my mother's fault for giving birth to me in a non-English speaking country (i love you mum!)
> 
> This is the second part of a series, but you don't really need to read the first part to understand it. The first part is only referred to briefly.
> 
> Title from "Soulmate" by Natasha Bedingfield

William buys a wristband when he finishes packing for college.

The last year has been a bit of a nightmare. Before, everybody thought he was just a late bloomer; it wasn’t a big deal. He was even glad his wrist remained blank, that way he didn’t have to deal with family talk about girlfriends and matches, he could avoid chirping from the rest of the boys at school and the team whenever he met somebody with a certain name.

Besides, he didn’t have time for all that romance stuff, what with hockey, keeping up his grades, and work.

It is a problem now, though. People have started whispering behind his back. His mother is worried. He’s 18, he doesn’t have a mark, and that’s weird.

People talk, they always do. There’s always the cousin of a friend of a neighbor who has no mark. It’s often discussed on TV, when there’s nothing more pressing, talk shows with experts on marks, doctors, everybody and their mother trying to understand how it could happen, whether that means those people are destined to lack the strongest and most meaningful relationship any person could have.

People love talking, and those conversations are often whispered, pitying. Poor souls, destined to be alone forever. To never find their other half, their best friend, their love. People don’t seem to agree on what exactly marks mean, there are all kind of relationships born from soulmarks, even if Hollywood insists on showing only romantic ones. But most people agree that your mark will lead you to the most important relationship of your lifetime.

All that makes William mad, and he would normally be up for any argument with anyone who had anything to say about markless people, but he still doesn’t want to start the year being the weird kid without a mark.

So he buys a wristband, and pretends he has a name to hide.

*****

What’s wrong with this guy?

William is so tired of having to deal with Nurse, Nursey, whatever. No matter what you call him, he’s annoying as hell, pretending not to care, telling everybody to chill all the time, but then jumping into rants at the smallest chance.

His favorite topic is privilege.

The nerve of the guy, ranting about privilege to him, while in his expensive clothes, with his I-went-to-a-preppy-boarding-school voice. To William, who has had to work forever to pay for his hockey equipment, never mind for Samwell. He’s actually the first one in his family to make it all the way to college, and a good one to that. But he has had to make sacrifices to get here, while Nursey has been handed everything in life.

Empirically, William knows that Nurse’s class privilege doesn’t immediately eliminate his own race privilege, he’s done some reading, especially since he came to Samwell; he’s poor, not uncultured, thank you very much. Emotionally, however, he just wants to scream “bullshit!” whenever Nurse opens his mouth, snap whenever he hears “chill” and argue with anything and everything Nurse defends, on and off the ice. It’s making Chowder sad, however, and that bothers William; after all, Chowder is basically his best friend in Samwell. It doesn’t bother him enough to stop fighting Nurse at every chance, though.

And then, of course, there's the fact that Nurse has “William” on his wrist, and he has no problem walking around with it bared. Of course, same-sex names are not a problem, especially in Samwell, and William wouldn’t have a problem with it if Nurse had any other name. But he has “William”, and he uses it to tease _William_.

It started after William used a slur during a game. He knows he shouldn’t have, he understands why that’s wrong and he isn’t actually homophobic, but with that and how uncomfortable he got when the topic of Nurse’s wrist first came up, now William is sure Nurse thinks he is. Nurse misunderstands everything William says and uses every chance he gets to mention that he has William’s name. Half of their arguments end up there, and William rarely has a chance to say anything. He couldn’t say why he’s that uncomfortable anyway. He’s not ready to let people know that what he has to hide under the band is, well, nothing.

*****

Sometimes William still glares at his wrist, as if trying to will it into showing a name. He hates feeling different, but there is something else.

He has started noticing things about Nurse. Things he didn’t notice before; things he thinks he shouldn’t notice. Like how he will claim to be always “chill”, but will rant animatedly about any topic he’s passionate about. How his eyes shine when he does, which William can appreciate as long as the rant is not directed at him. How water runs in tiny rivulets down the muscles of his back when they shower after games (he really shouldn’t be watching, that’s basic locker room code; he still can’t help it). How he smiles when their passes connect. How nice William feels when they hug on the ice after a good play, a goal.

He has never noticed anything like that about anyone, maybe because he was too busy, maybe because he was unknowingly stopping himself from feeling anything.

What’s the point? He has no mark. What’s the point if no relationship he has can mean anything? He knows now that he will never get a mark, he’s too old, and no mark mean no soul mate, doesn’t it? Who would want that? Who would want _him_?

He can’t stop himself from feeling now, but sure as hell he’s going to try. He may be miserable, but he’s going to try.

*****

“Is it actually true?” he asks one day as they are hanging out with Chowder and Bitty at the Haus, sitting in the kitchen having finished putting some pies in the oven (the oven is acting up again, William should take another look at it). He’s genuinely curious, especially since his recent discovery of his interest in his asshole of a D-partner. “The one in four or more thing?”

“What? Whether one of four students at Samwell is queer?” Nurse already sounds defensive. Bitty smells the storm and gets his phone out, ready to hide behind the screen, probably to tweet something. Chowder has started looking sad every time they fight.

“Yes. Do you think it’s true? So many? I’m not sure it’s right—“

"What’s “not right”, Poindexter? Love? Between two people of the same sex? Society has been accepting of same-sex relationships for ages, Poindexter. You can't argue with marks, so you shut up with your heteronormative bullcrap and stop worrying about that one of four or more shit."

"I was just saying--" he tries explaining that he just meant he didn’t think the figures were right, but Nurse doesn’t allow him to finish.

"Chill. Who cares if somebody has a man's name or a woman's or both or none? Why do you care? What are you worried about? That some guy out there has your name and is going to make a move and damage your fragile masculinity? Or is it just that it bothers you that my wrist says William and I don't mind showing it?"

"Why the fuck would you bring that up, asshole? It's obvious I'm not--

"God, of course you're not. Are you even listening to what I'm saying besides what you want to hear?"

"Dex's ears are big enough to hear everything," Chowder chimes in, looking a bit panicked.

William goes red as a beet and glares at Chowder. Chow looks apologetic; he probably just wanted the argument to end before they got real mad. This wasn’t the best strategy, as far as calming William down goes, so William opens his mouth to protest, but Nurse is faster.

“Well, you can't hold the size of his ears against him, C. He was born that way."

He’s totally done with the guy, the asshole.

*****

The thing is, they do work well together, both on and off the ice, when they stop screaming at each other. They still argue, their views differ in too many topics, but they learn to work it out, or at least, ignore each other for a while until the moment passes, at first for Chowder's sake, because it seems better for the team, later on, because William doesn't really want to fight Nurse anymore, not on things that matter, even if the guy is so completely wrong when it comes to choosing between a man in an attic and a thousand cockroaches.

William still tries to stop himself from looking too much, from noticing even more things, like the way Derek is the clumsiest person alive when he's not on skates, which is adorable, but his efforts are mostly unsuccessful.

However, with the passing of the months, the freezing and the melting of the Pond, through practices and road trips, Nurse slowly becomes Nursey.

William keeps staring, a bit, and sometimes catches Nursey looking back.

He can't shake the feeling that looking is _pointless_ , though, when nothing can ever come of it. Sometimes he looks at his wrist and thinks of how Nursey's name would look there. _Derek_. It would fit nicely, dark letters against the paleness of his arm, the freckles.

He shakes his head to try and expel that image from his mind.

*****

They're watching a film in Nursey's room, the three of them, Nursey, William and Chowder. The film is boring, something black and white, but filmed in 2010? William really doesn't understand this, starting with the fact that there are subtitles, doesn't know why they let Nursey pick the film. Not even 20 minutes in, Chowder is already dozing off with his head on William's shoulder and William has to make an effort not to do the same. 40 minutes in, he has to nudge Chowder because he's starting to snore.

“Chowder,” he whispers. “Hey, Chow. Wake up.”

Chowder jumps. “Mhm. What?” He opens his eyes and looks around blearily. He seems to notice where he is and immediately starts babbling. “Oh, God! I-I wasn't asleep! THE FILM IS GREAT, NURSEY! REALLY!! It's... INTERESTING!!

Nursey looks at William and mouths “He's adorable,” before bending towards the laptop on the table to pause the film and turning towards Chowder.

“Chill, C. You can leave if you're tired.”

“But...” Chowder pauses a second, thinking. “Ok. But you promise you won't fight?”

William thinks it's funny. They haven't been fighting that much, lately. Some small arguments, but nothing too heated, nothing that can't be considered friendly.

“I promise I won't argue with him if he promises not to give me a reason to fight,” he says nonetheless, just to see Chowder's face. Chowder doesn't disappoint, showing his best outraged face.

“Deeeex,” he complains. Nursey starts laughing and William can't help but joining him.

“Just kidding, Chowder,” he reassures the goalie. “We'll be fine. Now go to sleep.”

Chowder looks at both of them, doubtful, but seems too tired to actually argue. He gets up.

“Ok. I'll go. BUT NO FIGHTING!!”

“We won't fight,” Nursey promises, getting up too and walking Chowder to the door.

When he comes back to sit down on the bed, he chooses the spot previously occupied by Chowder, closer to William. He sits there with his legs crossed, and when he moves to play the film again, their knees brush.

They stay there for the rest of the film, knees touching from time to time. If anyone asks, William won't be able to explain even the basic plot of the film; he's too focused on the warmth of Nursey's knee on his.

When the film ends, Nursey pauses the credits and looks at William.

“I've been meaning to talk to you.”

Nursey looks serious. William's brain starts working fast, trying to find something that would explain a need to talk. Has he said anything rude lately? Has he... has he stared for too long, too obviously?

Nursey is still looking at him, waiting.

“Ok,” Williams says eventually.

“Look. I've seen you looking at me. Staring. At first I thought it was just you being... mad at me. I thought it was about you being homophobic and me being so open about my name.”

William opens his mouth to express his disagreement, but Nursey keeps on talking without giving him time to even emit a sound. “Sshh. Wait.”

They are still sitting cross-legged on the bed, but now they are facing each other. Nursey moves a bit closer to William before carrying on with what seems like a rehearsed speech.

“Now I think it's something else. I don't think you look because you're angry with me. I think you're mad at yourself because you look. And I don't know what's under your wristband, but I think you're mad at yourself because you look at me and look at my wrist and wonder if that William is you.” Nursey puts a hand on William's knee and leans in even closer. William can feel his cheeks turning red. “What would you think if I told you that I wouldn't mind it if were you?”

William startles and opens his eyes big, not fully believing what he hears. He doesn't know how he feels, but fear is probably the closest name to his current emotion. Fear he won't be able to stop this, like he knows he should. It wouldn't be fair to Nursey otherwise, when he doesn't know everything there's to know about him.

He gathers all the strength he has left and stands up abruptly, batting Nursey's hand in the process and whispering, “No.”

Nursey stands up after him and confronts him before he can run for the door.

“What are you scared of? I really think you are this William, and I believe you want that too, so what’s the problem? You have so much internalized homophobia--

“I’ve told you many times. That William is not me! And it’s not just because I’m “homophobic as fuck” or some other shit you have been shouting at me for months. It’s just not me!” William shouted, getting redder with every word.

“How do you know? I know you feel it too, the chemistry, on and off the ice, even when we argue…

“I don’t have a fucking mark!”

Derek falls silent, surprised. William is sure Nursey just thought he had a guy’s name and wanted to hide it. Derek’s shocked face is almost comical, taking into account how “chill” about everything he always claims to be. However, it only fuels William’s rage.

“So you can stop now with your bullshit proposal of, what? Pointless sex? A short college fling that can’t mean anything?!”

“Dex, chill.”

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me to chill!”

“No, seriously, Dex, relax.” He seems to have recovered from the initial surprise. There’s a determined set to his jaw. “Listen to me. Marks can mean a lot, but they don’t have to mean…”

“You can afford to say that. People are not going on TV to say how you are not normal or natural, nobody has told you that you are going to be alone forever, that you’re unable to form any meaningful relationship, that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you…”

“I don’t want to get into another argument about privilege with you. I don’t need to remind you that the situation for people with same-sex names has only improved recently.”

William opens his mouth to argue, but Derek doesn’t let him.

“Quiet. I have something to say, and it’s important. I meant what I just said: Marks can mean everything, or mean nothing. Nobody is totally sure what they are, and you know that. Look at Ransom and Holster! They may stay best friends forever, or not, or become something else. And the girl name they both have besides each other’s name? Who knows what role she’ll play in their lives. Not everybody has an amazing love story with their soulmate. Some people don’t even find theirs, ever. So, what? You’re not the William on my wrist? First, how can you be so sure? Second, I don’t care.”

Nursey stops to breath, but again doesn’t give William enough time to retaliate before he resumes talking. “I like you, now. I don’t need to know that our relationship is meant to be, that we are destined to be together or some rom-com crap. I want to be with you now. I don’t give a shit what you have or don’t have on your w- ”

William can’t help it. He closes the distance between them and shuts Derek up with a kiss. It starts slow, tentative, William carrying the reigns even in his inexperience and doubts, but Nursey recovers fast from the surprise and takes control of the kiss, deepening it. William feels heady, maybe from the lack of air, maybe from the feeling of being there, kissing Nursey, maybe from both.

Nursey is the first to break the kiss. He looks William directly in the eye and asks, “Can I see it?”

“See what?”

“Your wrist.”

William doubts. He hasn't removed the wristband in front of anyone since he started uni, not even in the showers after a game. He doesn't have anything to hide now, though, does he? So he takes a step back, out of Nursey's space and starts undoing the band.

He lets it drop and raises his arm. The skin on his wrist is even paler than the rest of him, but the contrast is still starker when Nursey takes William’s wrist to his mouth and kisses the blank spot. William feels warmth growing in his cheeks. It burns, and he's sure he's redder than he has even been. He doesn't even want to think of how he looks, all freckles, ginger and red as a beetroot. This guy is ridiculous, but William has to admit he has his charm.

Nursey releases William's wrist and holds William's face with both hands. The contact is cold over William's warm skin.

“I think your wrist is beautiful,” Nursey whispers, and kisses William again, leaving his hands wander lower, first to William's neck, then his arms, his sides, caressing his wrists again. They stay like that for a while, just kissing and exploring each other, until William pulls away.

“We should talk,” he says.

“Tomorrow. Now we kiss, and maybe sleep. Do you want to sleep here tonight?” he asks William.

“I'm... I don't think I'm ready for that.”

“Just to sleep. We can even watch another film if you want.”

“God, no. I can't deal with another hipster film that's not even in English.”

“It was a really good film, Dex.”

“Sure, Nursey, sure,” William says, kissing Nursey again and leading him to the bed.

It's a single, but they manage to fit comfortably, with Nursey as the small spoon, both still fully clothed. William falls asleep with Nursey drawing patterns on his naked wrist.

*****

They do talk, the following day. And later, and later on. Nursey does love speaking, and he has done his research. William listens, mostly, not really wanting to argue Nursey's points, usually about how not having a name doesn't mean that he can't form meaningful relationships, about how there's nothing wrong with him, even if William himself is not sure Nursey is right. Some part of him still refuses to believe he can have this.

They do argue about everything else, however, to Chowder's distress and confusion (“But how can you argue so much if you're dating? How does it _work_?!”), but it does work for them. Things are working well in general, between them, with the team, and if William starts forgetting his wristband sometimes, nobody comments on it.

There's even a pie especially baked for Nursey and William when Bitty notices there's something going on between them.

*****

They are all in the back yard of the house, a few days before graduation, some of them sitting on chairs, some laying on the ground, Nursey and William sitting together with their backs against a tree, sides pressed against each other. Nursey drops his head to William's shoulder.

The team is talking about the summer, about visiting each other. Ransom and Holster are trying to convince Shitty to join them in their annual Niagara Falls visit. Nursey and William listen, but don't really join the conversation.

“Nursey,” William whispers. “Derek.”

“Yeah?” Nursey says, without moving his head from William's shoulder.

“Do you really think I'm the William on your wrist?”

“Yes. I do.”

William sighs and smiles. He's not too worried about his own wrist anymore.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Comments and kudos are love. Come talk to me on [tumblr](ilovetextingandscones.tumblr.com) about dumb boys kissing and hockey (and dumb hockey boys kissing) if you want.


End file.
